t h e o u t c a s t

Interbike, the greatest bike trade show in the World... ...Bollocks it is... There's rarely anything new to see because the marketing guys have already given us journalists a sneaky look way back in June - and if they won't show us, then the Germans have sneaked past the guards and come out with an exclusive review of some product that's not due out for another five years...

So why do we bother? For the beer and the schwag, of course...

...Bread is OK, but crisping it up in the toaster or under the grill makes all the difference. It's the foodstuff equivalent of the instant vs. freshly ground contest. Besides, what other food goes down so well at any time of day? Edible as soon as you wake while other foods make you gag, to drunken preparations that aid falling asleep on the couch. Only toast with its choice of sweet or savoury toppings goes so well at either end of the day and all points in between...

Girl expects Boyfriend Deluxe Commitment Version (BDCV^TM) to come fully accessorized and ready to ride... ...Such is the nature of the girl; she will of course push to the limit. Putting BDCV^TM into difficult situations and with very little effort on her part, expecting him to get her to the finish. At some time, and probably sooner rather than later, a particularly dirty session will ensue, involving slick, slippy surfaces that results in going down far too fast - followed by much questioning about the amount of commitment required to make such things work. This is when it will be discovered that BDCV^TM has an important component missing - Mind-Read-Link® There will be tantrums, teddies will be thrown. BDCV^TM will be cast aside, abandoned in the rain...

some definitions
Botchinoinia · Hot Plates · Sizzling Hot Plates · Shrimping · Shrimp Boats · Docking · Turtling · Splooshing · Dry Dock · Scooting · Upper Deck · Felching · Schum · Yearming · The Stranger · Double Fishhook · The Bronco · Western Grip · Woody Woodpecker · The Rear Admiral · The Snowmobile · The Tea bag · The Dutch Oven

One Speed Dates for the diary, 2000
April 16th - Gorrick Series with a one speed class. Crowthorne Wood, (Bucks?), M3 J3 or J4. Details: 0118 978 8884
May 7th - Gorrick Series with a one speed class.Yately Heath Wood (A30 near Blackbush Airport), M3 J4a. Details: 0118 978 8884.
May 7th - Enduro 6/2000 Six hour solo race from the people that brought you the Red Bull 24 hour. Expect to see some of the usual one speed crowd there. Some with gears, some without. Trentham Gardens. Details: 01538 703707.
May 13th World One Speed Champs Minneapolis. MN. USA.
June 24th Red Bull Mountain Mayhem the usual suspects back at Sandwell, West Mids. Enter early though, it's going to be packed. Entry forms out in Feb.
Sept 30th/October 1st National and European
One Speed Champs Cheddar, UK.
  It's going to be a biggie. The Cheddar Challenge, the event that has welcomed singlespeeders for four years, is to host the sixth National Single Speed Championships, to include the Pan-European Championships.
  So here is a challenge to all of those countries of Europe to field a singlespeed team. We'll find you somewhere to stay (probably the back of Andy Pegg's car), get you drunk and then expect you to race round a muddy, cold and patently unsuitable race course chasing the honour of being the first ever (non-UCI approved, not that we care) European Singlespeed Champion.
  We reckon that we'll at least get a couple of Germans (for the beer), French (for the beef), Italians (for the laydeez, especially the ones that seem to take their tops off at Cheddar), Belgians (because they're lost) and perhaps some from Luxembourg (for a sport they stand a chance of doing well in).
  So, are you vaguely European? Get on down to Cheddar and prepare to get hungover... Details can be had from David of the Cheddar Challenge broadway.house@btinternet.com and the usual suspects here at the Outcast.
  There will be the regular rules in place - namely that you must drink five pints of beer (or equivalent, three for the laydees) //chipps, that sexism// in the bar, the night before the race. Drinking on the line is permitted and encouraged. We will be a bit tighter with the beer tokens this year, given the important international flavour of the event. Oh, and you need a bike with only a single, working gear.*
It's going to be a corker.

* although nylon tie/gaffer tape boys will be rightfully laughed at.
do it pure!

Hey boys! Got an 'intimate' question or problem you've always wanted to ask a girl? Well Auntie Sarah is here with her years of experience to explain the facts of life, settle arguments and give kinky sex tips to those who ask (nicely)...
Dear AuntieSarah, which is mightier, the tongue or the old boy - the pork sword?
Dear AuntieSarah, just what do girls do in the bathroom for so long?
Dear AuntieSarah, just how do circumcised blokes wank?
Dear AuntieSarah, how do I cure my addiction to internet porn?
Dear AuntieSarah, should blokes trim their pubes? And should we insist that our girlfriends do?
Dear Auntie Sarah, I was with a young lady the other night and we discovered that she rather enjoyed being tied up. Does this make me a kinky devil, or should I just give in to her wishes and pop down 'Furry handcuffs are Us' for a selection pack. Any suggestions on what to try? I've seen some rather tasty strappy things in The Outcast... Or are things like the Gladiator Harness and Bedroom Bungee only for experts?

Dear AuntieSarah, what do YOU do for fun then?

There are people who go on about being 'in the zone' when they are riding. And I've rarely understood just what they mean. They seem to imply that almost every ride, they enter a Zen-like trance where trees magically get out of the way and the trail smoothes itself underneath their tyres. Now this doesn't seem to happen to me. I just spend my rides lurching from one bad line to another, half clipped in and firefighting all the way down the trail. I have a theory that this magical oneness...